I always wondered what the end of my ‘fandom-life’ would look like.
I will tell you this for free – I never thought in a million years it’d end up looking like this.
My name is CJ Cross and I am an Outlander fan.
My journey began around June 2017 after my Husband had a conversation with his Mother about the books they’d been reading that week.
She’d just finished telling him about Outlander, the story about a WW2 Nurse named Claire Randall who travels back in time 200 years and meets the love of her life.
Now, whilst my Mother-in-Law tried to convince her son that he’d like it due to the family connection to Scotland ( His Father hails from Aberdeen) the historical references to the 17th century, time travel and war she was firmly convinced I’d enjoy it due to the “semi naked Scotsman running around the Highlands” I hate to admit it … but, in way, she was right. (But more on that later)
The opening scene from season one gave me chills and from the moment I heard ” People disappear all the time” I was hooked.
Shortly after I began watching the series (I joined the fandom a few months shy of Se 3) I discovered the series of books the TV show was based on, written by Diana Gabaldon. By the time Se 3 had gone to air, I had binge watched season 1&2 twice over and was midway through reading The Firey Cross.
I had searched for all things Outlander related online -joined every group possible; searching for my Clan (as it were) and a place to belong.
In the beginning, the Outlander fandom welcomed me with open arms. People from all over the world sharing their own experiences of joining the fandom for the first time, their experiences with meeting various cast members and friendships forged thanks to DG and her much loved books.
I threw myself into everything I could think of. Below is a list of some of my favourite moments.
- Admining/ moderating several facebook groups
- Raising money for charity via a fun project known as the S.H.A.Ggers (Sam Heughan Addicts Group) and getting a member card signed by Steven Cree
- Creating a caption contest around WayPoints ( Sam Heughan’s memoir) where the winning caption received a personalised signed copy as a prize .
- Spent 18 months with the Outlander Fan Documentary crew as part of their social media team
- A Cameo from Steven Cree and Lauren Lyle
- Being a major cheerleader for other notable fan based charities such as Project CaiTREEna and SuperNova Legacy
- Met several cast members at Hublander in 2024 (Australian Outlander Convention)
The things I have learnt, the cherished friendships, the laughs shared, the memes made, the in-jokes and the never ending excitement of a new season- all of these experiences were wonderful and I am forever grateful for them.
I consider myself blessed to have shared them all with some truly wonderful humans.
What’s the best thing about Outlander I hear you ask?
For me, it gave me the opportunity to become closer to my Mother-in-Law. At the time of writing this blog, she is no longer with us. She passed away in 2022 due to an aggressive form of Cancer.
The two of us would talk Outlander via facebook messenger. I’d send her dozens of pictures of the cast ( Sam mostly LOL!) and we’d talk about the books and the show together. We’d get excited about the newest seasons and I’d tag her on facebook so she could see the date and time on streaming services. Not being one to embrace such things, she’d always tell me that she’d placed her order for the DVD release and wait for it to come out.
For her, Outlander was more about art imitating life. She was from Liverpool, England. Her Husband from Aberdeen, Scotland (A Scotsman married a Sassenach)
She was also a nurse in the Army and they met after he ended up at a British Army base hospital due to an accident and she was assigned to his care. (In much the same way Claire found herself taking care of Jamie and just like Claire in the earlier seasons, she prefered old school remedies for fixing your bumps, lumps, cuts and bruises rather than medically prescribed medications from the GP)
Although there were no dislocated shoulders or falling dramatically off a horse while bleeding out, they soon fell in love and, well, you know the rest … but, I digress …
My favourite moments were whenever Sam responded to one of my posts on Twitter – back when HE was actually posting and it wasn’t someone from his PR team getting paid to pretend to be him.
I would tag her in a post and she would respond to my post usually along the lines of “Oh you lucky thing! How’d you manage that?”
It always made me laugh. I’d tease her and we’d end up giggling like idiots later.
When Sam released WAYPOINTS I ordered her a copy in the hope of being able to give it to her as a Christmas present that year. I ordered her a copy knowing how much she’d love it – especially because it was signed ( All pre-ordered books were signed) but then she fell sick and she passed away just before I received my copies in the post. *
I miss her. And with the series coming to an end, it makes me sad that I cannot share it with her. I just hope wherever she is, she’s watching from afar and enjoying it as much as I am.
Now, as with all things warm, welcoming and wonderful…. eventually the rose coloured glasses come off.
If you’re lucky, your fandom experience will remain largely untouched. You get to continue to go on living your best fandom life.
However, if you’re a person who values having an opinion … it’s at this moment, you’re given a choice. You can choose to walk away or you can choose to stay.
I chose the later. I chose to stay and it almost broke me.
One of the things about having an opinion in a fandom is that if you decide to be vocal, if you decide you’re not going to remain silent on the things that are important to you, you have to be prepared for the backlash. For if you are not, I can tell you from first hand experience, it is brutal.
Between the arguing, the infighting, the bullying, the constant doxxing, the name calling, the finger pointing, the never ending side eye, subtweeting, sock accounts and everything else in between, it is enough to make any sane person lose their goddamn mind.
By the time 2023 had come to an end my experience in the Outlander fandom had completely changed. Gone was the safe space. Gone was the feeling of belonging somewhere. It had become toxic. It had become cruel. And it had turned me into someone I didn’t’ recognise anymore. I found myself in a constant cycle of negativity. Lashing out at everyone and everything.
I was hurt. I was bitterly angry. It seemed as if I was getting attacked from all sides and the level of betrayal I felt was something I’d never experienced before in my life.
So much so that I was preparing to burn the entire fandom to the ground until a friend pointed out to me that I was, infact, part of problem. That I needed to stop, take a step back and get help
I closed down all my main Outlander accounts, removed myself from most Outlander pages and stopped speaking to almost everyone
Shortly after the Hublander event in 2024, I made the decision to seek help and shortly thereafter began monthly sessions with a therapist ( and that is all I am willing to say on that)
Over the last two years I have began to pull away from the fandom space, preferring to watch from the sidelines rather than actively participate. I will admit it has changed quite a bit – especially since E-Lemon acquired Twitter and changed its name to X.
The fandom is now scattered over several different platforms.
Neither Caitriona Balfe or Sam Heughan are active on social media anymore ( They both have in house SM teams via their management) and now that the show is entering its final season, it seems kinda fitting I’m sitting on the outer looking in.
I will admit, I do miss the way things used to be. The closeness. How I felt when I thought I’d found my safe space to authentically be myself but, let’s be honest…. No one is ever truly themselves in a fandom are they? They’re a version of themselves they’re desperate for everyone else to see… but that is a blog for another day… maybe.
For now, I want to thank the Outlander cast and crew for giving us 110% every single season. For coming back year after year – despite the BS you’ve coped (most of which, if I’m honest, was completely unfounded … except Se 4. That’s legit and you know it) I will watch the final season. I will cry. I expect nothing less.
Thank you to Diana Gabaldon for writing these wonderful books from which the Outlander Universe was created. Thank you for being the kind of author who made a non- reader read a series of (then) 8 books in nine months and the 9th book in 5 weeks. I am looking forward to reading the 10th and final book.
To the friends I have made – It has been a pleasure to go on this journey with you. I hope our friendship continues and remains for a lifetime.
For now, I hang my hat and bid my fandom life adieu.
Slàinte x
Ceej
*I ended up giving that copy away to a friend who said her Mother would love it. So that was nice .
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